Two dating tips you can learn from people with autism
Learnings from Love on the Spectrum
Hello and happy birthday to Rick Astley!
I was proud when Twosday got its first troll. It was a milestone I never considered until it happened.
A troll was proof that people besides my mom were reading my opinions. Not only were strangers reading, but at least one cared enough to share their emotions with me.
Unfortunately, their emotion was anger.
They said things I had to Google — things that made me regret Googling. Let’s just say Urban Dictionary was probably their sex ed teacher. And they said how much they hate my God, but that’s OK — my God loves them.
One word they called me was neurodivergent. I’d never heard of it.
A quick Google told me this:
“Someone whose brain processes information in a way that is not typical of most individuals.”
Cool with me — I view thinking differently as a superpower. Thanks, troll.
But the tone seemed angry, so I dug deeper.
ChatGPT told me more about neurodivergence:
Neurodivergent is a term used to describe individuals whose neurological development and functioning differ from what is considered typical or "neurotypical." This includes people with conditions such as autism, ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder), dyslexia, dyspraxia, and other neurological variations.
The troll’s insult just got stranger.
Because, first of all, I don’t have any of those listed conditions.
But more importantly, many people I’ve met with those conditions are the most delightful humans. Their mental “disorders” allow them to order life better than I do. They get straight to the essence of life and invite us to join them there, where there’s so much joy and wonder.
We can learn a lot from neurodivergent people.
If you watch Love on the Spectrum, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
The Netflix series follows people with autism on their quest for love. It’s a heartwarming reflection of the human desire for connection and the struggle to achieve it. It’ll teach you much more about relationships than any rom-com movie or beach read.
Here are two lessons about dating you can learn from people with autism.
Honesty is the most direct pathway to reality
“I don’t know what else to say, but I’m having a really good time.”
Tanner, a 24-year-old with autism, said this on his second date after they talked about every animal in the Greenville Zoo. His date lit up.
Our friends with autism say exactly what’s on their minds. There’s no playing hard to get. They don’t see the point in playing games in relationships.
Games are fun, but they can hurt people. (You’ve played Catan, you know what I’m talking about.) With games, you withhold information so you can win and others can lose. People keep their cards to themselves. Games work because of these information gaps. But in relationships, you want to narrow the gap of information.
When humans don’t have clarity, we fill in the gaps with our imagination. In budding romantic relationships, the stories we tell ourselves can be dramatic. We swing our mental pendulum between “he’s the one” to “he hates me.”
Honesty fills in the gaps so we have a clearer picture of reality. When you speak the truth directly to someone, you play a part in bringing order to chaos. As Brené Brown is credited with saying, “Clear is kind.”
People with autism lay out all their cards. There’s no guessing on how they’re feeling. They’re so clear it can hurt.
Tanner ended his first date by telling the girl everything he liked about her. With the biggest smile, he then asked, “Now what do you like about me?” He wasn’t leaving any room for information gaps. He provided maximum clarity and then asked for it back. What he received in return was clarity of her affections — and a second date.
We often fail to be honest in relationships because we’re scared of the truth. “What if they don’t like anything about me?” We treat the truth like we treated the monster under our bed — if we don’t see it, then it can’t see us. But ignoring reality doesn’t make it cease to exist.
Being honest can be painful and awkward at times, but it’s rarely as bad as you think, and it’s always the quickest way to get to reality — so you can finally stop guessing and start moving forward. There’s either a monster to deal with or there isn’t. To avoid the truth doesn’t change it — it just makes you waste time in a world that only exists between your ears.
When Connor, another 24-year-old with autism, called his date to say they should just be friends, his mom said his siblings (who are not autistic) could take notes from him. We all could.
If you’re hanging out with someone in a gray zone, be as honest and direct as our autistic friends. Ask the person what’s going on. Tell them what you’re experiencing. If you only view them as a friend, then drop the f-bomb (friend) ASAP. And please, if you do one thing, call a date a date. If the other person isn’t 100% sure if you’re asking them on a date or if you’re just friends, then you haven’t been as clear as they deserve. Clear is kind.
Trying is a necessary risk to unmeasurable rewards
I recently heard a pastor say, “Faith is trying. Trying again is faith and hope.”
The most inspiring part of Love on the Spectrum is seeing faith and hope in personhood.
Our friends with autism have the odds stacked against them. They’re underdogs. Not a modern-day underdog — like the Chiefs this year. (Can you really ever be an underdog when you have Patrick Mahomes and Taylor Swift on your side??) Autism makes you a true underdog.
People on Love on the Spectrum radiate faith and hope on their journey to love. It’s what motivates them to get back up when things don’t go their way. You get to hear their inner monologue as they process the hard emotions that come with dating. They painfully wrestle with the confusing social practice. And they keep going — because deep down they believe what’s on the other side is worth it. Faith and hope are the lifeblood of underdogs.
When I was dating Sarah, I was trying to reduce uncertainty to 0% before proposing. I wanted complete assurance that this thing would work out and make us both happy. One year came by and I wasn’t at 0%. When we approached our two-year anniversary, I realized I’d never be at 0%. It’s just not possible — people are too complex to come with zero risk. If you keep trying to reduce risks to 0% before you date or commit to a person, you’ll never get there. You’ll need faith and hope to love.
I agree with my autistic friends: love is worth trying for…and trying again. You try by taking leaps of faith. And stepping toward a person in faith is an act of love. It’s an admittance that you don’t know how this will work out, but they’re worth trying for. They’re worth the risk.
If you want to be in a relationship but aren’t trying, then you’re forfeiting your complaint card.
Our friends Tanner and Connor try, and they try hard. Connor is very comfortable staying home all day watching Transformers. But he knows one of the few things worth getting out of the house for is trying to find love. As he said while quoting Optimus Prime, “Wisdom cannot be granted. It must be earned. Sometimes at a cost.” Connor knows the Megan Fox to his Shia LaBeouf is not going to just knock on his door one day. He has to pay a cost. He has to try — and try again. We do, too.
✌️
— Luke
P.S. Here’s my favorite content from the past week.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Luke's Essays to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.